By Victor Schwartzman
June 15, 2015
Recently David Lepofsky of the AODA Alliance filed a Freedom Of Information Act (FOI) application with the Ontario Government. His goal was to obtain more information on the Government’s implementation of its access legislation. A previous Lepofsky FOI yielded substantial information on the frustrating implementation failures of the Government. The AODA Alliance wanted to know more.
However, despite claims of being open, Ontario does not surrender its secrets easily, even if the information should be public. An FOI takes considerable time and energy. It can also be expensive. That is why the AODA Alliance came to me.
I am Dr. Cora Peterson, neurosurgeon (The documentary about our earlier operation incorrectly portrayed me as a minor player and a sort of swimsuit model! Ugh!) My team’s first operation was a success, repairing the brain of noted scientist Jan Benes. The AODA Alliance believed Minister Duguid had the information required and we agreed to help. When my team approached him, he agreed to the procedure, provided he continued with his daily activities. What a good sport!
Our procedure may sound difficult and complicated but it is a far easier way of obtaining information from the Ontario Government than an FOI application. We conducted the procedure last week, and here is what happened.
My team was miniaturized to a very tiny size and then placed inside the Proteus, a similarly miniaturized submarine. We were then injected directly into Minister Duguid. Our goal? To retrieve the needed information by taking a fantastic voyage into his brain!
Yes, this was easier than an FOI! Welcome to today’s Ontario!
Once we were on our journey a problem emerged immediately when the submarine was engulfed by white blood cells. However, we were prepared. White blood cells in normal people attack and kill foreign intruders. However, these white blood cells asked why we were there, discussed what bylaws applied and then dispersed when we gave them a donation. We dealt with white blood cells in a similar manner several times during our journey through the politician’s body.
A detour forced us to navigate through the heart. This proved very dangerous, requiring split second timing because the Minister’s heart was smaller than normal. I have often found this with politicians.
Next was the worst, around his lungs and throat. When he spoke to constituents, the words came fast and furious. It was like riding rapids, worsened by muscle tremors from frequent smiles and grins. We entered his head flushed by his words.
I worried that brilliant flashes of light through his eyes could fry the Proteus. Fortunately, it was mostly dark. My team agreed that was because the Minister saw only what he wanted. Worse might have been the ears. If he heard constituents complaining as we travelled near his ear drum, bad vibrations could destroy us. However, it was quiet. We concluded this was because the Minister heard only what he wanted.
Now we reached the Minister’s brain and were at the critical moment. Unfortunately, his brain was evasive. It kept moving whenever we approached. There was no time to waste. The clock was ticking. We had to leave his body before we grew back to our normal size. It was hard work, getting his brain to stay put so we could examine it.
We finally cornered his brain against his skull and began looking for the AODA lobe. It was very difficult. His lobe for tracking hockey scores was much larger. But we finally located the AODA lobe, tiny and alone in a back part of his brain. It had no information at all so we left easily through the Minister’s eye ducts, as he can cry on cue.
I feel obliged to add that the AODA lobe requested a lobotomy. It said it would be happier living away from the rest of the Minister’s brain.
Next: Ontario Government Begins Preparations For AODA’s 11th Anniversary Next Year, To Be Held In 2020, Due To Predicted Planning Problems!
Victor Schwartzman has contributed this weekly satirical column to Accessibility News and the AODA Alliance since May 13, 2013. Check out the first nine chapters of his current satirical fantasy novel, King Of The Planet, for .99 on Kindle at http://www.amazon.ca/King-The-Planet-Victor-Schwartzman-ebook/dp/B00NE0CCRC, or for free on Facebook. The unpolished first nine chapters got a “4 out of 5 star” review! He is currently polishing the novel. His graphic novel The Winnipeg Weakly Herald (where each chapter is one issue of a community newspaper) is serialized on the great Canadian lit site, http://www.redfez.net. He has had poetry and short fiction published, has edited novels and his email is firstname.lastname@example.org.