By Victor Schwartzman
March 23, 2015
In a recent letter to the Toronto Star, Minister Brad Duguid disagreed that the most effective way to build a more accessible Ontario is to enforce the AODA access law. Minister Duguid believes he cannot enforce the law. Instead, businesses will be encouraged to embrace AODA because it gives them a competitive advantage.
“We won’t implement access law so we’re going to sell it,” Minister Duguid easily could have said at a media conference he might have held about the AODA access law if he ever held any. Announcing the Government’s slogan “Access Is A Competitive Advantage,” the Minister said “Obviously, our position is that business people do not care about people, human rights or the law. They only care about money. So we have to sell access as a competitive advantage.
“I assembled a team of my top aides to advise me on how to sell access law to business since we won’t enforce it. My team’s first recommendation was that we could use a specialist. It gave me a list of ten people who, one way or another, fit the Government’s approach. They were all great and each did fit our approach in his own unique way. Unfortunately, we did not hire any of them because, although talented, each had some issues we wished to avoid.”
Minister Duguid provided the media conference with the list of consultants interviewed, as they did reflect Government thinking:
The Top Ten Consultants In Line With Government Thinking On Access Law
10. P.T. Barnum. “I’ll sell access as fun. I don’t take access seriously and neither does the Government, so it’s a good fit.” When he wanted to place people with disabilities in a workplace sideshow, Minister Duguid thought it would be a good work opportunity for them.
9. Matt Foley. Mr. Foley is a well-known motivational speaker who lives in a van down by a river. He inspired audiences on Saturday Night Live. “The Government lacks motivation and I’m their man.” He offered to train and motivate a team of Government advocates, but the Government had no team nor the money for one nor did it have the money to pay him to motivate it to hire a team.
8. Jordan Belfort. The aptly nicknamed “Wolf of Wall Street” made a fortune selling useless stocks. “The Government wants to sell access like a bad stock. Sell it quickly, get business to buy it, then walk away. Great. The Government will profit, and that is my specialty.” He did not say how the Government would profit, and he said that also was his specialty. His car outside was dented significantly.
7. Doc Terminus. “The Government is after a snake oil salesman and I’m the best,” he said, noting he was featured in the Disney documentary, Pete’s Dragon. “I like the Government’s approach that access should be sold as curing various business ills. My experience in snake oil sales makes me perfect.”
6. Carlo Ponzi. Mr. Ponzi noted he knew sales. “I developed a solid pyramid structure investment plan that was so successful it was named after me. The Government’s approach to selling access is deceptive and that makes me perfect to be involved.” He suggested that businesses could send the Government, through him, a share of their advance access profits, that their employees could send those companies a share, and so on.
5. Walter White. Mr. White stated that he is retired from a very active career in product manufacture and distribution. He created his own sales network and convinced customers his product was the best. “What I sold was an illegal drug, yes. But the Government is selling access to business as if it was a drug that would get the business high. That’s where my experience kicks in.”
4. Harold Hill. While Mr. Hill is primarily known for selling musical instruments (in one town he famously sold 76 trombones), he stated he sells anything. “A is for Access, all you want to know,” he sang, “and C is for your Company, where profits are sure to flow.” He said the Government’s strategy was really a form of song and dance, and that made him perfect for the job.
3. Frank Underwood. The former House Whip noted he had pushed his agenda through Congress by selling, cajoling and occasionally murdering. “I’ll give you Ontario wimps the backbone to force business to accept access law. I know Government and I know business and that makes me ideal.” Actually, the team did not want Underwood but they were afraid not to put him on the list.
2. Nicolo di Bernardo dei Machiavelli. As a politician and the founder of modern political science, he famously wrote about Government and ethics. “My writings make me perfect, given you have ignored ethics regarding implementing access law. Your approach to implementing access law does not address the issue, and I like manipulating people.”
1. Neville Chamberlain. “Since the Government is surrendering on AODA, I am the logical choice to represent it.”
Minister Duguid sighed when he mentioned Chamberlain. “That man’s approach, I loved that. It’s really at the heart of what we want to do with AODA.”
Next: Politicians Send The AODA Terminator Back In Time To Kill Access Law Before It Is Born!!
Victor Schwartzman contributes this weekly column to Accessibility News. Buy the first nine chapters of his current satirical fantasy novel, King Of The Planet, for .99 on Kindle at http://www.amazon.ca/King-The-Planet-Victor-Schwartzman-ebook/dp/B00NE0CCRC or read the whole thing, including current polished chapters, for free on the King Of The Planet Facebook page. It has a “4 out of 5 star” review!
His graphic novel The Winnipeg Weakly Herald (where each chapter is one issue of a community newspaper) is serialized on the great Canadian lit site, http://www.redfez.net. He also contributes to http://www.targetaudiencemagazine.com. He has had poetry and short fiction published, has edited novels and volunteers as host of a writers’ circle at a drop-in. His email is firstname.lastname@example.org.