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Ontario Proposes Business Climate Act, Will Sue God If It Does Not Work

By Victor Schwartzman
April 8, 2014

Pundits who worried that we would take no further action on implementing the AODA access legislation stuff were wrong, Minister Eric Hoskins announced at a media conference recently. We are aware many felt we would simply wait for Dean Mayo Moran to hand in her report later this year or hopefully next year. There were some who believed we would allow more time, on top of the past decade, to go by with little or nothing happening.

However, we are a government of inaction, Minister Hoskins stated. By that, I mean we are into action.

Global warming is a major international issue on which action must be taken. Access legislation has been received coolly by businesses, and action has to be taken there also. Put the two together and you have the proposed Business Climate Act. A major piece of that legislation is the Proposed Burden Reduction Reporting Act.

We spent a lot of time on the names. It was important to send a clear message! The access legislation required all sorts of reports by businesses. They had to go online. They had to fill out a short questionnaire. Sometimes they even had to fill out a paper form and send it in.

There is only one word for these outrageous requirements, and that is burden. And it obviously was a terrible burden because 70% of eligible Ontario businesses struggled but were unable to comply by completing a form. And that was just one form. We dont talk much about the other forms that were never filled in, missing deadlines. Just like theres no point in talking about the deadlines weve missed for almost three years in not creating any new standards on which access can be judged.

And if anyone does raise those issues, we will sue them. We will sue them for libel and defamation being too opinionated.

We are transparent on those issues. We did miss some deadlines internally to push ahead with AODA. I cant give you the exact figures because someones boyfriend accidentally erased all that data on any hard drives which had it. That seems to happen. Doesnt it happen all the time at home? You really have to watch those boyfriends.

So I thought, we have to improve the business climate in Ontario. And obeying the law seems to be a terrible burden to businesses. Therefore, why not have legislation which eliminates reporting all those burdensome legal requirements? And why not start with the AODA reports, which are so burdensome almost no business fills them out? If the forms arent being filled out, the logical action for us as Government is to eliminate the forms.

If we want to improve the business climate in Ontario, especially before an election, what better place to start? Thats why we made sure this legislation did not exempt anything about access legislation, to be sure our message was clear.

On a further note, we will sue anyone who says we do not care about the climate of business in Ontario. We will also sue anyone who claims we plan anything that actually happens only accidentally all the time even if to no one else. And if the climate does not improve, we are looking at filing a lawsuit against God.

Finally, we intend to also sue both Opposition parties. The Opposition has been absolutely ineffective and have failed their public mandates. It is our responsibility to sue the Opposition over how badly they have handled all our accidents or boyfriends.

With that, the media conference ended when a journalist asked the first question and Minister Hoskins sued him.

Next: Legal Films Add Partnerships In Toronto Anticipating Improved Climate For Buying Rolexes

Victor Schwartzman contributes this weekly satiric column to Accessibility News nothing in these columns is true except what they are about. His graphic novel (where each chapter is one issue of a community newspaper) is serialized on the great Canadian lit site, He also contributes a monthly poetry review to and does an on-air review monthly for the World Poetry Café on CFRO-FM in Vancouver. He has had poetry and short fiction published, and has edited novels. His email is